Healthy boundaries create quality relationships
Listen to this reflection (in Estonian)
At what moment do boundaries embody protection, and at the next the widening of the world? Healthy boundaries begin with the relationship you have with yourself. No one else can hold our boundaries for us, so each of us alone is responsible for having them, for expressing them and for holding them. Healthy boundaries secure physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Putting your boundaries in order and making them healthy is certainly one of the greatest changes it is possible to create in your life at any moment.
When everything is going very well, people usually do not get as far as the question of boundaries, but at the moment when problems or difficulties appear, one of the first things worth asking yourself is which of your own boundaries you have let be crossed. It is very easy to identify boundaries connected with the physical body, such as sleep, food, the balance of work and rest, screen time. When tiredness or hunger is on you, it is very hard to bear stressful situations and to handle them with balance. Or when illness climbs into the body, the balance of work and rest has quite certainly slipped somewhere. These boundaries are fairly easy to identify and to actually restore harmony in yourself again. Sometimes you need to ask someone for help, or to be more definite with yourself and set priorities, because only through this body can we experience the world so richly, and its wellbeing is worth caring for.
Things get more complicated with boundaries when human relationships come into play, and the paradox is that the more you adapt yourself to please others, the more unhealthy the relationships become, because the boundaries that should create safety and also connection have been hidden away. No one knows what is really good and expected behaviour and what causes suffering, and why. Expectations, assumptions and hopes then start to play a very large role, and nothing good is certainly born from there.
! No one has to read the thoughts and feelings of others. They have to be expressed, so that there is clarity and a chance to make a connection.
! Never assume that you know another person through and through and know what suits them or not. Everyone changes constantly if you give them the chance to be as they wish to be right now.
! Nor should you justify your actions with good intentions, because if you do not actually know where the boundaries are, since they have not been spoken about, that good can bring a great deal of suffering to everyone involved.
Expressing your own boundaries or accepting those of others can be uncomfortable at first, because it has not been practised, and it may bring overreaction, because someone’s pain has been unknowingly stepped on. This is not the place to create separation and to lock up, but an important moment to notice and to speak, to express what is really happening in the soul. Only this way can understanding arise, and with it respect and regard for one another can grow.
When boundaries are missing, or you do not dare to express them, then I myself am actually responsible for others being able to cross them and cause me uncomfortable feelings. In that sense boundaries should protect the inner self, but they are not doing their job.
I sometimes meet people who say that they do not feel anger, or that there are never conflicts in their relationships. That situation makes me cautious, because one reason lies in a person forbidding themselves to feel certain emotions, for example anger, which is a very strong energy and does not simply go away. When anger or other strong feelings are left unacknowledged in yourself, they are pressed into physical discomfort. That can be one way of coping, but it is certainly not healthy, and in relationships it can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour that breaks relationships.
Emotional boundaries have to be noticed in yourself in the same way, and you have to be aware of how they can be expressed in a way that holds. No one makes another person angry. Anger arises inside each person, because they cannot manage their own emotional waves, and anger is one way of defending. The other person can do nothing or refrain from doing anything to avoid your anger. An emotion is an immediate chance to understand what is going on inside my own body, which waves are rising. It is worth asking yourself: “What in this situation actually makes me angry?” And be honest, at least with yourself.
When that is also expressed in a way that does not put the other into the position of the guilty one, then support can be offered. But that needs sincere and honest communication both with the emotions arising in you and with other people.
In this lies one key on which relationships can be built where the balance is right and the connection deep. Because you do not have to fear conflict, you have learned to express your boundaries and to offer mutual support. Relationships where this is not done are often either superficial, unsafe and explosive, or cold and distant.
Sense for a moment the important relationships in your life, what energy is there?
Do you feel filled and safe in connection with these people, or not?
Have you left some boundaries unexpressed and now find it hard to give your energy into that relationship?
Or do you blame only the other and see no responsibility of your own?
Every person is special and different, and that is why it is extremely important to express where your own boundaries are. If the other also wishes to contribute to the relationship, then to explore with interest why they are there, to create an understanding atmosphere and to grasp that this is usually not a personal attack or a reproach. Everyone has the right to express themselves and everyone deserves to be heard and understood in feeling the way they do. Understanding does not mean that I share the same view, but that I can create an empathetic space in myself where I really try to imagine that the other person may experience this situation exactly that way.
Changes begin with a decision. When something is not working in a relationship, you can first become aware of it and begin to create a world that is more in accord with the soul. A great deal begins with the stories we tell ourselves. For example, what story do you tell yourself about your personal time and space, do you have enough of it and in a way that fills you more than it tires you? Sometimes it can seem that there is little time of your own, or little space to recharge. Sometimes that is true, but often it is more the story itself than the real situation. It is possible that this thought irritates, especially those who give a lot of themselves to create wellbeing for others. I claim that if you become aware that in holding the boundaries of your own time and space you have let things slide, then you can find a solution to make it healthier for yourself, and along with that for everyone else in your life too. Find those ten ways to meet your need and hold your boundary. That way you can create far greater good than constantly running yourself over. We can be very good people, but there are needs that in the larger picture cannot be ignored.
What are your stories about your boundaries?
Damaging boundaries can also be invisible and cold. Boundaries that create separation without any explanation. Something happens or fails to happen, but it is not spoken about, and honest communication ceases. Too rigid a silence, which builds a wall of ice between two people. The emotional connection is cut with it, you cannot quietly seep past that boundary wall, and it leaves a mark of distrust on the relationship. Everyone is left in the dark and everyone has their own story about the reasons. The stories vary: one sees the fault in the other, one feels shame, one makes reproaches, all of which deepen the separation. The energy of emptiness grows and probably after some time no one dares to touch that place any more. Disappointment follows, and the rolling away of the ball of responsibility. Perhaps there is a hope that time will dissolve the discomfort, but life shows that these relationships rather cool down, because important subjects have been left unspoken. Even if the contact continues, its energy no longer fills the soul. This has nothing to do with healthy boundaries or with trusting life.
Relationships that are left hanging in the air because there is no courage to admit to yourself what actually happened or failed to happen, and no bravery to express it to the other, and possibly a label is attached, “we grew apart”. But in the end, when life pulls the threads together, it is precisely these things left unsaid and these missed chances for connection that you can be left regretting.
Often, though, people do not think about that, everyone lives forever, and it is easier to focus on everyday life, to strengthen the walls that secure the separation, and one day finally to discover that you have been left completely alone, perhaps not even physically but in the soul, and then self-pity descends like an eternal fog that obscures any ability to see clearly, and the situation seems hopeless.
Sometimes dramas are created instead, to get the wanted attention, the pity of others or their life energy. But as long as that honest opening of the heart and showing of your own hurt is not possible, there is nothing to be done in those relationships. Relationships are always mutual, and everyone has the possibility and the responsibility to keep them healthy and loving, and that means acknowledging and expressing your own healthy boundaries. When that is not possible, then for the sake of holding yourself it is wiser either to avoid such relationships or to close off the leaking of your energy into them.
Let me come back for a moment to the healthy relationship with yourself and to your inner speech, whether conscious or unconscious, but as I wrote in “The spell power of words”, every word creates the world we live in.
If you focus for a moment only on yourself and on how in every moment you give strength to a particular kind of attitude towards life, then how much of it is criticism, and especially self-criticism?
Criticism of yourself that does not let you truly create the life, the relationships, the health or the mission you really want in your soul! Excessive criticism knocks your feet from under you every time you move even a little away from the familiar and safe road. This is the place where boundaries hold you back and hinder you rather than helping your development or self-realisation in a healthy way. Sometimes these places are hard to notice yourself, and then a dialogue with someone else gives the chance to see where the real stumbling place is.
I have seen those who through self-criticism paralyse even the possibility of relating well to themselves. This does not come from nowhere, that attitude probably has a long history. Very often it shows itself precisely in not recognising your mission, or in the fear of walking that road. A mission is not simply work that fills a bank account, it is an activity that first of all fills the soul. So notice in yourself whether self-criticism might be your stumbling stone, out of which grows the creating of obstacles to your own creative energy, then criticism and resentment towards others, distrust of life and complicated relationships. Everything is constantly connected with everything.
Criticism is not born of kindness and love, something else is already simmering underneath it. People descend into criticism rather when their own inner boundaries have been thoroughly driven over. Then that uncomfortable feeling inside turns destructive and shattering. There are those who, hiding behind constructive criticism, bring to the table subjects that harm themselves or the other person, and with that the relationship too. But is it necessary, could we not simply be a gram kinder with ourselves every day, and after that with the other too.
With a mission it is of course also worth remembering that when something is very close to the heart and right, and the courage to step forward has been found, it is still worth recalling the importance of acting and of resting, and also of trusting others and not taking everything on yourself when activities can be shared. Avoiding overload makes it easier to create and hold your inner harmony and to build loving relationships with everyone.
Healthy boundaries help us understand where we are standing in our world at the moment. It is neither good nor bad, simply one place, and it changes constantly. What matters is creating understanding for yourself.
Do I feel good and balanced in my world?
What are the boundaries of this moment?
Do they support me?
Do the other important people know them and can they take them into account?
Or do you notice that you have let some boundary slide, and that it has consequences you do not like?
Constant balancing.
Creating harmony.
Expressing yourself, both to yourself and to others.
Thank you for reflecting along with me!
If thoughts, questions or examples from life came up for you, share them freely.
Until we meet,
Tanaa Oyun